two boys in a monte carlo

I think my self-image is transitioning. It's sliding or morphing or scrambling or resorting or... something. I'm redefining and honing. Regardless [Note to the world: Please stop saying "irregardless." It makes just as little sense as "acrossed."]... Regardless, the surface of me has been disturbed over the last several months. Now, when someone compliments me, I suspect they're teasing me and rolling their eyes when I'm not looking. I've really become quite paranoid and hope it's not clinical.

I started noticing this shift a couple of months ago after a bizarre interaction with 2 boys in a monte carlo. I was walking Kaya Jambalaya, and 2 boys in an old black Monte Carlo pulled up at the intersection in front of me. By young, I mean YOUNG. 20? The driver rolled down his window and said, "Does my car make me less attractive?"

I said, "...Uh...what?"

"My car. I think it's time for an upgrade."

"...Uh... your car's fine."

And then he said, "I think I just need you in my life."

"...Uh..." Totally confused, I shrugged and nodded and waved them away. And they left.

I spent the rest of my walk trying to decide if they were making fun of me and wondering what it meant that I was even having that debate. Ten years ago, I wouldn't have questioned it. I would have just told the story about the time I got hit on while walking my dog. But, ten years later, I figured they were making fun of me, and I felt kind of stupid.

It reminds me of the lighting in our bathroom.

I love the lighting in our bathroom. Soft, warm. I leave home thinking, "Damn, I look good today!" And it doesn't matter where I'm going -- by the time I get there, I look haggard and lopsided. (Especially the bathrooms at work, where they have installed spaceship lights. It's like they want to beat us down so we'll stay in our cubicles and hide our ugly faces in work.)

At any rate, my inarticulately expressed point, is that I am noticing more and more lately that I have no idea what I look like to other people -- of course, I don't just mean my physical appearance -- and it's made me feel a little unstable. I'm sure it's just a phase.

I have a long run on the training calendar today. I will be sure to wear my headphones so I can't hear it when people are making fun of me.