1. Having to explain myself verbally makes me irritable.
2. I don't speak well. Words don't come out. Or they do, but they're the wrong words and in the wrong order. Then, I hear them, and I cringe, and I get frustrated, because I can't get it right.
3. So, sometimes I'm too quiet. I know this looks like snobbishness, and sometimes it is.
4. I hate being asked a lot of questions. Unless I can answer in writing.
5. Sadly, I don't hide my irritability well. Sometimes, I don't hide it at all.
6. Weak minds/weak energy/timidity repulses me. I can't stand to be around it. It makes me feel violent. Actually violent. Like a wild animal that senses the weakness in the other and goes in for the kill. This is likely one of my most horrifying traits. Really quite alarming. I have to check myself on it constantly, but don't. When people comment on how laid back and easy going I am, I think they are either wildly unobservant or I am a master of disguise.
7. I don't hide my repulsion well.
8. I can be horrifyingly judgmental. And it happens in an instant.
9. I frustrate easily. I hate messing up. Hate it.
10. And when I get frustrated, I unleash long, impassioned strings of obscenities. The things that come out of my mouth would burn your eyebrows right off your face. Just ask my husband.
11. Sometimes, when I'm frustrated, I throw things. (But just things like towels and paper bags. I don't throw things that break.)
12. If I've been eating too much bad food, my moods swing. I eat too much bad food.
13. I task avoid when I'm overwhelmed.
14. And when I task avoid, I TASK. AVOID. I could win medals for my task avoidance.
15. I can be surprisingly dense about my emotional state.
16. Which means I have to rely on my physical symptoms and my behavior to signal when I'm anxious or overwhelmed. This seems immature and kind of stupid, like I should be a little more in-tune.
17. My first sign of being overwhelmed is that I start being late to things. I know this is rude, and I know it's irresponsible, and I still do it.
18. My ego is a giant and unruly beast sometimes. And I always ALWAYS make very bad decisions when I let it do the talking.
19. When I think someone is pulling one over on me, I can be vindictive. And manipulative. And cunning. I don't like looking like a fool. In other words: I do not transcend others' pettiness -- not always, anyway.
20. I complain about other people even though I know I shouldn't, and that it's tacky, and that more times than not, it's none of my beeswax.
21. I think I'm right more than I should.
22. Despite making long lists of my character flaws, I can be pretty arrogant.
23. I flex in the mirror. I absolutely do.
24. I don't like leading. I don't like following, either. For the most part, I think I just want to do my own thing and not be bothered. That's not very nice or collaborative.
25. I'm selfish with my time.
I could go on. But I'll stop at 25. I have a lot of good qualities, too. So I'm not really beating myself up. I think it has something to do with wholeness and how tiring it is to hide the monster in the closet. So much easier to just expose and move on. I feel oddly compelled to constantly confess my humanity. Maybe it's an attempt to feel okay with how imperfect everything is. It also feels a little like a service. Like I'm serving others by giving them permission to let the monsters out of their closets, too.
But mostly I think it's about finding the balance between improving what needs to be improved and accepting what needs to be accepted. Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope to have many more. And I hope to get better at this balance business -- especially the acceptance part. I have what is likely the best family on the planet (husband included), and they're constantly accepting my total lack of grace. I don't know why they do, but I'm glad they do.
That's all.
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