If you're looking for deep thoughts today: Keep looking, Sucker. I just want to talk about the gym.
A Dozen Items of Note Regarding the Gym at 5:00 a.m.
1. Sometimes, if I have not slept well, I never actually wake up. No amount of pushing or pulling or jogging or squatting will revive me. I get lost in small places. I stand in front of the free weight rack and can't remember what I was doing. I lay down to crunch abs and count ceiling tiles and calculate area instead. I love to calculate area. It's compulsive.
2. Sometimes, the "functional training" area is full, and I need floor space. I configure myself strangely, using a sliver in the corner and turned the wrong direction. Then, 3 minutes later the area clears, and I am left there in my strange configuration, and I want to shout to the people over there on the ellipticals: "Hey, this made sense about 3 minutes ago!" (That happened this morning.)
3. I don't like hamstring curls. They make the backs of my knees feel weird and snappy.
4. I like it when people put things back where they found them. I like this a lot. I wish it happened consistently. I don't understand why it doesn't. I mean, you're here, and you appear to be here to work, which means you're probably not lazy. If you've just done 3 sets of 12 reps, what's the big hairy deal about extending the effort to put it away? Sheesh.
5. I like that there is no meat market silliness at 5 a.m. It is an entirely different scene at 5 p.m. I do not like that scene. I do not like it at all.
6. I like it when there are lots of treadmills available and new arrivals leave at least 1 empty treadmill between me and them. Sometimes, when there are lot and lots of treadmills available and someone takes the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME, I want to turn and say, "Hey, really? Why?" And I would mean it. I would really and truly want an explanation.
7. I like it when romantically linked men and women work out separately even though they came together. I don't know exactly why it bothers me to see romantically linked men and women trying to be weight bench partners, but it does. I roll my eyes a lot at these people, which isn't very nice, but it's 5 a.m..
8. I dislike the stationary bike. I think I would like it a little better if I could dip the seat back just a bit. I always feel like I'm crotch-sliding down hill.
9. I have declared a locker in the locker room as MINE. It isn't mine. I don't pay money for it. My name isn't on it. But when someone puts their crap in it, I feel genuinely put-out. How dare they? Don't they know who I am? Rookies.
10. I don't like grunting. Some people--and men are the worst--grunt and it sounds orgasmic, and that totally creeps me out. Dude, seriously. Keep it in the bedroom.
11. I check myself out in the mirror. It's hard not to. There are mirrors all over the damn place. Sometimes I see myself and I think, "Huh, I really thought I looked better than this." But the mirrors in the group fitness room--which I commandeer on mornings there are no classes--are extremely flattering.
12. On days when I skip the gym, I have a hard time getting ready for work at home. I forget what to do. I don't know what I've washed and what I've not washed. I can't find things. I am usually late to work.
That is all I have to say today.
I also hate hamstring curls. What's up with that rolly bar on your calves? Where exactly is it supposed to fall? How how high do I really need to curl my hams? That machine sucks.
ReplyDeleteI also hate stationary bikes. It's too fake. I'm working too hard to not go anywhere on a tiny seat for no reason. Forget it.
Who are those treadmill closeness people? If they want to be close to me then I probably want even more distance from them, and now they are close. Odd.
I'm adding a new one: Women who wear make up and actually look cute in the gym. Maybe at the end of the day I'm really just jealous because within seconds mine would melt off and I'd look worse for even trying. Maybe it's because I'm wearing my "ePals" t-shirt which wouldn't even turn the eye of a pensioner in the gym. I can handle cute girls outside the gym, but once you've stepped foot outside the locker room you should look sweaty and gross like the rest of us.
:-)
ReplyDeleteI too do not like the treadmill smotherer. Seriously people, personal treadmill space please. This is not a subway.
ReplyDeleteBtw, I also hate not putting things back. I brought home cat food yesterday because someone had set a bag of cat food with the dog food. They should label that much better.... small print does nothing for me Iams.
oh, jenna! i would love to introduce you to my gym nemesis. she's a lady who actually sits in her car at 7:00 a.m. and puts on FULL MAKE UP. comes in wearing jewelry and hoochie mama outfits, and then "works out." oh, you would have such a time with her. such a time!
ReplyDeleteto you, too, kulio! :)
"this is not a subway" …HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! love that, t!