My COFFEE post isn't due for another 10 days. I've just enjoyed a victory. I will share: Immediately.
Per my COFFEE project, I hiked up my drawers and played my music in front of people--real people. I didn't even know all their names or what kind of cereal they ate when they were kids. Long standing fear here (of playing in front of people--not of cereal). Totally dumb, irrational fear. 'Twas time to rid the stink of the stink.
So I did. Thursday, I ridded stink of stink, more or less.
I had Chrispy ...
[A few days ago, I saw the word, the adjective, "crispy," used in a sentence, and I thought, "Oops, they forgot the h." I'd forgotten it was actually a word before it was Chris's moniker.]
Focus, P! …I had C(h)rispy video some of it for COFFEE. Afterwards, I deeply regretted this. That night, and all of Friday, I would not touch the camera. Aside from a few shaky wedding songs and some very safe back-up singing for Wendy, it has been well over a decade since Music and I went out in public together. Fifteen years ago I would have watched that video and become hyper-critical and violently negative. I would have completely shredded myself, disassembled my soul, and spit loogies straight into the face of my very existence. Then I would have locked my guitar in its case for another fifteen years.
Then picked the wings off a butterfly and kicked an old lady.
(Too much?)
(Yes.)
I like butterflies and old ladies very much, so I avoided the camera with its naked footage of my naked reunion with Music. My music.
This morning I was thinking, you know, I've done some growing in the past 15 years. I can control this now. So I downloaded the videos, said, "Be kind, Dear," and watched. And…
It's not that I was some kind of spectacular shooting star, because I wasn't. I sang wrong lyrics and mis-chorded, and stood kind of awkwardly and in an awkward part of the stage. But the fact that I watched start to finish, and I didn't say a single unkind thing to myself is AMAZING. And heartening! And makes me feel really awesome. I am 36 years old, and I have finally learned how to be nice to myself. Amen.
So now I can break this experience down into 3 triumphs:
1. I played. It scared the poop out of me (literally), and I did it anyway.
2. The playing went exactly as I'd expected; I will explain.
Expectations are a nasty beast. I am happiest (and I would guess this is true for most) when I genuinely appreciate and fully embrace: Here, Now, This, and With These People (hereupon: HNTWTP). Expectation for me has generally meant being constantly 10 years ahead of myself--the anticipation of This will become This which will become This and then This and then This will happen--which causes either total impatience with HNTWTP, total disconnection with HNTWTP, total invalidation of HNTWTP, and/or fear and anxiety, trepidation and subsequent paralysis about F (Future).
And butterflies lose wings and old ladies get kicked in the craw.
I didn't have those kinds of expectations this time around. I expected it to be imperfect, and it was. I expected it to not be a disaster, and it was not a disaster. I expected to not barf or shat myself, and I did not barf or shat myself (I understand that is not proper conjugation of -to shit.). I expected some things to go well, and they did. I expected some things to be clumsy, and they were… And every bit of it was just fine.
None of this was in the spirit of self-sabotaging pessimism. It wasn't negative self talk. It was actually the opposite. It was gloriously positive and uplifting. Hey, Puddin' Pie, you're not perfect. And that's a-okay.
3. I reflected, watched myself, heard myself, and was kind to myself. (Additionally, I would like to thank the sound guy for keeping my clumsy guitar at a mercifully low level. And no, recognizing that I'm a clumsy guitarist is not self-bashing. It's simply having ears.)
Winner!
I'll save the video for the COFFEE post.
No butterflies or old ladies were harmed in the creation of this blog post.
WINNER!!!! I got so excited when I saw the photo Holly posted on Facebook of you. So proud of you, P!! Especially glad to hear that you're proud of yourself, too, and being nice to P. Are you just floaty and happy and accomplished today? Way to go! You officially rock. How does it feel? :)
ReplyDeleteA musician that I deeply respected - talentwise and in other ways - said to me a couple of years ago these life-changing words (when I said something self-deprecatory about my playing).
ReplyDelete"Who do you think you are?"
I'll never forget that - it kind of shook me out of my need-to-be-perfect-mentality because, the truth is, I am not a musical genius, nor will I ever be, I just love to play. THAT is who I am. Whenever I look down on myself for making a mistake I remember those words, showing me that self-criticism is really ego-ism (okay I know that's not the right word, but I'm tired) - the best musician's I know, never apologize for themselves, they just do what they do.
Anyway, it sounds like you know who you are, and in my opinion, you should play more. Maybe it's a good time for that now.