Solitaire Games

Today I am reminded of two games I like to play with myself:

1) The Hibernator

…wherein, I hover over several literal and figurative delete buttons. Delete facebook. Delete blog. Delete emails 1-76. Delete my social calendar. Delete ambitions. Delete plans. Tell everyone, "Nevermind." Delete delete delete. Reduce my life to: gym, work, home, self, sleep.

It happens around the same time--this time--every year. Whether it's cooling temperatures or overwhelmption, I don't know, but something triggers my introversion, and I find myself blushing from overexposure and lunging for caves.

2) Do I Have a Right To?

…wherein, I fall into various levels of sour mood-itis and then debate whether or not I have a right to. Do I have a right to feel irritable when people in the world are starving? Do I have a right to get mad about relatively small bits when the world is riddled with gross civil injustice? Do I have a right to feel blue when I have no overt reason? Do I have a right to feel tired and overwhelmed at my desk job when bomb squads are tiptoeing around the desert?

Because I really like the idea of accepting the full gamut of humanity, which includes sour moods, irritation, fatigue, and bouts of overwhelmption. I don't want to put any more pressure on myself to be perfect than I would on any other person. I really hate the word "should." I really do. I think it's a loaded and destructive word, and I don't like it. Every time I hear it--including from my own mouth--I wince.

But I also really like the idea of always trying to be better, to relax, to keep a healthy sense of priorities, to identify my weaknesses and work to improve. How much improvement is enough? How much improvement is an unrealistic demand for perfection and repression?

Scorekeeping for this game is particularly difficult.